The Paralyzation of Perfection

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On paper March was a good Weight Watchers month for me. After being pretty meh as far as being “on plan” for a while, I started off March rearing and ready to go with blue dots, lots of water, getting back to exercise, you name it—back on the wagon in full. I started strong and finished pretty strong too. It felt good to see all of that work on paper, but it was also a lot of work. As I continue to battle with my anxiety, I noticed that I was getting really overwhelmed when we’d go out to eat, in a way that I haven’t really worried about before. I started thinking more about the way I ate and tracked when I reached goal and lifetime, wondering what had changed to make going out to eat such a daunting experience. 

In the fall, when I reached goal and then achieved lifetime, I was going to my step aerobics class three times a week and being really intentional about eating on plan during the week. This allowed me to have about one dinner out during the week and lunch/dinner out during the weekends without having to be super strict about tracking the meals out. I was averaging about 80 FitPoints a week without really having to try. 

In the last few months exercise has been a frenemy of mine. I’ve found it really hard to make it a priority. I had a membership at a dance fitness studio that I loved and had been going to since May, but after we moved, I was having a hard time finding motivation to make the 20 minute drive to the studio (which is still the same drive time I had before I moved). The class times were also starting to become a challenge, with a bit of an earlier work schedule I couldn’t go to their 7:30 p.m. class, drive home, shower, and be in bed by the time I needed to (usually 9:00 or 9:30). I ended up canceling my membership and started practicing yoga more at home. I really like Yoga with Adriene‘s videos, so I decided to do her Yoga Revolution series for March. I didn’t finish it, but her daily intentions have taught me a lot and have helped me off the mat more than I imagined. I want to restart it and write about it, but as I try to alleviate some of the overwhelming feelings I’m struggling with, I think I’ll come back to that in a little bit. Maybe for the time being I should just restart it so I can find peace in the intentions.  

The last weekend in March my best friend from college, Cara, came to visit. We had such a good weekend full of activity and healthy eating, with a side of beer ;). It was a great way to start of April, but it was super short lived. I haven’t tracked since then (a.k.a. I haven’t tracked all month). I kept telling myself “on Monday I’ll start tracking again”…nope. What’s weird is it’s not like my meals were super off plan, I knew the points of my breakfasts, lunches and most dinners. What was not on plan was all the candy I seemed to be finding (buying) and eating. I’ve never been a huge candy/sweets person, but like I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I apparently am now. UGH. So, April has been the month of candy and not tracking for me. I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting for the month on Friday and it definitely showed on the scale. I was up 3 pounds and .8 pounds over my free lifetime range. So I paid $15 for the egg shaped Twix I had been munching on all week. Sweet. 

Friday’s meeting topic was “Are you an all-or-nothing thinker?” Which is weird because that’s how I’ve always described myself, however, my Weight Watchers journey hasn’t always been that way. I liked it that way. It made it a lot easier to get back on track when I wasn’t looking at it as all-or-nothing. I’m not sure why or how I’ve sunk into that all-or-nothing mentality, but I definitely need to pull back out of it. 

I talked with Manuel about this the weekend prior, about how overwhelmed I was feeling. How I was mad at myself for neglecting my tracking, exercise, blog and other things around the apartment this month. He’s so sweet to me, especially when I’m having one of those tight chest, everything seems impossible moments. We talked through things to make a daily priority, things to do after the daily priorities were done, and then after all of that had been checked off I could do any of the other stuff.

The next day I joined the yoga studio down the street that I’ve been wanting to joined since we moved in. I’ve been to 8 classes in the last 11 days including: Hot Yoga, Barre, Hot Flow and Pure Flow. This studio has a variety of flow and yoga classes, as well as barre, HIIT, pilates and a few other cardio classes. I’m excited to have some new classes to try, especially since the class times and locations are so convenient. It has felt really good to get up and move again.

At Friday’s meeting I told one of my fellow lifetime friends, Sarah, that I was struggling to find motivation to track. I’m so glad I said something to her, because it sounds like we have had a pretty similar month. I always like hearing Sarah share in our meetings. She’s real about the challenges that come with losing weight and maintenance, she’s also good at finding motivation in a variety of places. I’m always inspired by her fitness goals. More than that, she’s such a great cheerleader. When we were talking about having a tough month, she suggested we check in with each other during the week to hep us get back on track, that we would get back on track together. I needed that really bad. She text me later that day a picture of her awesome 5 SP lunch. I had yet to track my lunch, because I don’t know, tracking is hard? I was finally compelled to open up the app and track some damn food. I replied telling her that because she checked in, I finally tracked my brunch. It was a 13 SP omelette, but I was upset with myself because I forgot to say I wanted egg whites instead of regular eggs. She reminded me that was okay, that it was still a good choice and it was great that I tracked it. I needed to hear that. Since then we’ve continued to check in and I’ve kept tracking for the first time in a month. I greatly appreciate her friendship. 

I’ve missed writing and sharing with y’all. The blog started to get overwhelming because I felt like every post had to be perfect. Perfect length, perfect topic, perfect pictures, etc. This is an overarching theme in the things that are overwhelming me, perfection. My sweet friend, Sarah, recommended the book Present Over PerfectEdit. The author of the foreward is Brené Brown, someone my counselor Hope refers to a lot. I took it as a sign and I just downloaded it. I’m thankful for people that aren’t afraid to help you beyond what you asked for. 

Manuel and I are taking a long weekend and going to Boston this weekend. I’m going to enjoy food, beer and most of all quality time with my love. The four hour (YIKES!) flights will give me uninterrupted time to read and write. I’m looking forward to reseting and getting back to sharing with y’all more regularly. Thanks for letting me be real. I hope it helps. 

 

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About the author

Tess

Just a girl dreaming of a day when her full time gig consists of wearing athleisure and is filled with choreographing dances to the legendary sounds of Ja Rule, Ashanti and other hip hop stars from the early 2000's.

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2 Comments

  • Tess,
    It was so good meeting you today. Guess what? I’m a lifetime member of Weight Watchers as well, and I’ve been off the wagon for many months, and was planning on going to a meeting on Monday to get back on track. Sometimes life just gets in the way, but I have had such good success with Weight Watchers over the years. I’m like you that for some reason I struggle to track what I eat even though WW has made it so easy now that we have smart phones. Best of luck with both your blog and your weight journey. I hope our paths cross again. Shari

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